No, you don't have to be attracted to someone on a third date to develop ~feeling~ (2023)

Dating and relationships are not easy to navigate.WHcounselor and therapistDR. Chloe is here to help and deal with your most perplexing problems and burning questions.

So you made it to the third date with the same person... Congratulations! I don't mean that in the "You should be thankful they still like you" kind of way - I mean congratulations toOf to find someone whoOfClick hard enough to see not once, not twice, but three separate and intentional times. It's not that easy these days, as you probably (okay, definitely) already know.

"For whatever reason, society has tricked people into believing that it's a third dateÖData..."

That said, because the third date can be so rare for some people, you can put a lot of emphasis on it. On the one hand, you're more comfortable with this person than you were on the first date because, hey, you're not strangers anymore. But then again, you're probably crazier than usual. That's because society, for whatever reason, has led people to believe that the third date isÖEncounter - as in if all goes well you are suddenly alegitimate couple aka exclusive.

But it's definitely not like that! Or at least it shouldn't be. I usually tell my clients to see a potential partner for more than three dates before they stop dating people. Why? There's still so much you won't (and can't) know about each other by the end of the third date. It doesn't have to be that big.

Oh! How important is the third date really?

How important the third date really is is up to you and different for everyone.However, as a relationship therapist, I truly believe that the only reason the third date should feel more important than the previous two is because it's now becoming a pattern.At that point, you start putting in the time and some energy to potentially see them regularly.

Some women have a "three date rule" where they wait until the third date to have sex. I'm not saying I agree or disagree, but a specific personal law for a date like this might encourage you to put even more pressure on the date itself., because now you're suddenly wondering if you're both on board for sex and if that can actually happen. Who needs this pressure?

And for some people, the third date can feel like a tiebreak, especially if the first or second date didn't go well. (It's like a "three hits, you're out" thing, but the opposite.) But regardless, the truth is, there's no magical timeline for when you'll know if someone isEinzel. Giving too much importance to a certain date can make you commit to someone too quickly or give them up too soon.

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I have understood. Andhe mustI know on the third date?

Probably not as much as you think! But there are a few things you should definitely know by the end of this tour, including:

1. You need to know what your dating goals are.Basically, they go out to get married or for other reasons (egpolyamorous relationship)? If your goal is to get married (to someone, someday), you should now know if you're on the same page.

2. You need to know if your values ​​are compatible.“Values” cover a wide range of topics, so you need to choose which ones are most important to you (after all, that's what the word means). Are they family oriented like you? Do they want kids or do they just want fur babies? Appreciate your career and climb the ladder? Do you exercise and eat well to stay healthy? Do you drink regularly? Are you religious? These are all questions that you should have answered yourself at some early stage in order to find out whether your values ​​match yours.

3. You need to know if you are an optimistic person in general.Negative Nancy (or Nathan) is not fun to be with. By the third date, you should have an idea of ​​whether this person has an optimistic outlook on life or, well, a pessimistic one. If they complain a lot about things they have some control over (like work) on the first three dates, it's probably safe to assume that you'll deal with that bad mood and lack of initiative a lot in the future. . Is that something you want? My guess is no!

4. You should know if their relationship currently matches yours.What the hell does that mean, you ask? At its simplest, this: if you're a planner who lives by the clock and is never late, and you're the spontaneous last-minute guy who doesn't wear a watch, you might fight a bit like a couple. That doesn't mean you can't work with it, it does mean the people who doRespect time and fear wasting itit doesn't always go well with those who hardly notice.

If your date is late more than once in the first three dates, doesn't make plans days in advance, or doesn't seem to have a problem with "doing nothing," consider whether you're okay with that going forward. (P.S. You can be that laissez-faire person while being more of a Type A... anyway, make sure the contrast works for you!)

5. You need to know ifNOwant to see her again.There's no point in wasting time with someone you don't like being with, at least on some level. If this is how you feel, let the third date be your last.

However, if you're having fun with that person but can't decide if you want to see them again — maybe you're not sure if you're romantically interested or sexually attracted to them — I strongly suggest you don't interrupt them. after the third encounter. Here's why: Real attraction can (and often does) come from getting to know a person for who they are, not just for what they look like. It's always nice to feel sexually attracted to your date, but sometimes you don't feel that "spark" right away. Try not to let that stop you from going out again.

Some people are also more reserved and less flirtatious on first dates, which can lessen the sexual tension you're used to. And others might be out of your usual type, and that's no bad thing! Oftentimes, relationships that start out very hot and intense due to intense sexual attraction end just as quickly as they began. In many cases it can be much better to let this compound simmer.

So I'm not supposed to know if I want to be with this person until the end of the third date?

No way! In fact, try not to think about the future just yet. If you start imagining yourself walking down the aisle with this (relatively new) person in your life, you might end up getting out of what I call “information gathering mode” — essentially collecting clues and evaluating them to to decide if that person is really a good long-term match for you. This is a very important way to be when you are just starting out dating.

The bottom line:The third date is not a monumental milestone that should be a defining event for a potential relationship. If you have a feeling for a person in one way or another, listen to them. Otherwise, enjoy the ride... and a fourth, delicious dinner with at least good company.

No, you don't have to be attracted to someone on a third date to develop ~feeling~ (2)

Chloe Carmichael, PhD

"Dr. Chloe" Carmichael, PhD, is a relationship therapist in New York City, author ofThe 10 Commandments of Dating by Dr. chloe, and a proud member of the WH Advisory Board. She is here to answer all of your dating, relationship and life questions - no strings attached.

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